My Ex IS an Idiot...

This is stuff I really couldn't say anywhere else as it involves my ex husband. Not that I care what HE thinks; I just don't want my son to see this and know that I, too, am thinking all the things he said aloud over the weekend.

Friday night was the "one night only" production of the first of my actor/dancer son's final performances for the school year. "Dancing With the Teachers" was not only a take on TV's "Dancing With the Stars" (the students teach their high school instructors to dance) - it was my son's choreography debut.

He and four classmates had been rehearsing like fiends for the past few months. His English teacher, Mrs. D, was right there with them learning the complicated steps, transitions and jumps. Gentleman that he is, my son even choreographed a solo for Mrs. D so she could be rightfully featured (she's only 28, very young looking and has only been teaching at the school for a year so not everyone knows she's actually a teacher). They danced to the Ting Tings' "That's Not My Name" - a pop song with an infectious beat. The song was remixed and shorter than the original version, but I'm sure I spent the entire three minutes + of the performance with my mouth open in amazement. Yes, it was that good!

At first I thought I was a little biased, but the applause said otherwise. Lots of folks came over to me as I was leaving the auditorium to tell me how great a dancer my boy is. Of course I had to tell him that he choreographed the routine as well. It was hard for me not to smile as sincere praise flowed from their lips. OMG - they saw it, too!

Pity that his dad wasn't there to see it. When my son spoke with his father the day before, dad assured him that the entire family - dad, step-mom, step-sister and younger brothers - would make it down from Monticello (a measly 40 minutes away) for the show. A few hours before the curtain rose, his step-sister texted him to say they wouldn't make it because - get this - my ex thought it was "too long a trip JUST to see my son move across the stage for a few minutes." Yeah - according to her, the chucklehead I use to be married to actually said that. Even worse, he didn't have the decency to call my son and tell him they weren't going to make it - the text was how he found out. But wait - it gets better...

Yesterday, my ex called - not to apologize for missing the show, but to complain that my son is "so busy" that he can't seem to make it to Monticello for any of the events and activities they host during the summer - including a July family cookout (my son has gone to a martial arts camp the second week of July for the past five years which is when they break out the grill) and a joint birthday party for him and his two half-brothers at the end of August (when we are in Lake George as the last summer celebration before school starts again; been going since before the youngest half-sibling was even born). "Well, I'm just going to stop inviting you for things then, because you can't ever come anyway," his dad said. No joke.

This conversation took place when my son was in his room. He came out, promptly declared that his father was a "total idiot" and disappeared into the bathroom. I'm guessing he went in there to wipe away the tears.

After he calmed down a bit, he told me that he doesn't get how his dad seemingly has no idea that his son is a 16-yr-old junior in high school with a life and loads of activities. In the four years since dad moved to Monticello, he's missed lots of important things, like karate black belt promotions last May and all but one piano recital/performance. My son got bitten by the acting/dance bug as a freshman and his father has only made one play (last year's final project for his drama class). In 2009, he laid eyes on his dad all of three times. My son did spend his spring break with his father this year, but he later told me he knew he probably wouldn't see him again until at least the summer - if then. There's another play next Friday and, although he mentioned the time and place to dad last week, my son is kinda doubtful that father will bother to show. Unfortunately, this has become the norm he's come to expect.

I, of course, am seething. It's not even that I think his dad should channel me and be at every play, concert, karate event or track meet, but ONE would be nice. He's missing some pretty important events in the life of his kid - things he will never be able to re-do. In 16 short months, his child will be heading off to somebody's institution of higher education - and there's no guarantee that it will be on this coast or even in this state. Is dad's plan to wait until the boy can drive to him before he attempts to establish a relationship or what?!?

I can't really say all that to my child, though - but I will say this: my ex better start praying for a sunny graduation day for the class of 2011 post haste. Not sure if he knows it (nor do I care), but if it rains and the event is postponed to the following day, it will be moved indoors and each graduate will only get two tickets for family. Call me evil, but dad is not on the short list - and no, I don't feel guilty about that in the least. My son will only be on stage to get his diploma for a few seconds so, afterall...

I almost feel sorry for the poor schmuck because he has absolutely no idea what a great kid he's missing. Almost...

Flintstone No More!

I guess I've stepped out of the stone ages, so to speak, as I just created a Twitter page. I'm following Venus Williams, Lance Armstrong and Ellen DeGeneres so far, along with the Library of Congress, Consumer Reports and Sesame Street (LOL). I've only tweeted about my newly broken toe (happened Saturday while sparring), but I can see how easy it will be to get totally overwhelmed by the number of tweets received. Three folks are following me already and I have no idea who they are...

Do you tweet? Hit me up at twitter@tricountywoman.com...

Chelsea King and Amber Dubois

Violence against women is usually ugly and senseless, but when young women are victims, it feels even uglier.

Chelsea King was a senior at a San Diego-area high school who innocently went for a run at a local park after school. Amber Dubois was a 15-year-old who was last seen by her family as she left to walk to school one morning over a year ago. Neither girl ever returned home. Chelsea's body was found late last week in a shallow grave not far from where she'd parked her car before her run. Amber's remains were found yesterday.

Right now, convicted sex offender John Albert Gardner III is the prime suspect in Chelsea's murder. Police aren't saying yet if he can be connected to Amber's death, but, since girls were similar in body build and disappeared in similar ways, the speculation abounds.

It's more than a little scary that any child could leave for school one morning and never return. It truly is a parents' worst nightmare (and the main reason I didn't watch "The Lovely Bones" when it hit the cinemas - although the novel was amazing)...

So what do we need to do?

I'm a martial artist and much of my training talks about two things: AVOIDANCE - as in getting out of dodge the moment it seems like a situation could go south - and AWARENESS - as in knowing what is going on around you. Perhaps Chelsea and Amber might have been even more aware than they were had they not have been accosted doing something they did on a regular (and obviously felt safe doing). Maybe prevention has as much to do with how our children - particularly our girls - are socialized than anything else.

The reality is that little girls are encouraged to go with the flow, not make a scene, not be argumentative all while being compassionate/helpful to others in need. For so many, these traits have led to awful outcomes; evil doers who prey on women often play on these characteristics to gain their unsuspecting victims' trust. Remember bad guy Buffalo Bill in the movie "Silence of the Lambs" who convinced his last victim to help him load a couch into his van before abducting her? Serial killer Ted Bundy even walked with a limp to garner sympathy from women before he solicited their 'help." Our need to be helpful can be harmful, it seems.

Everyone - adult and child alike - should learn to trust their gut instincts. If a situation or conversation doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. But too often, we women talk ourselves out of thinking someone might be out to do us harm. Not saying that was the case with Chelsea or Amber, but I truly don't want it to be the case for you.

And remember not to be passive if you ever do find yourself being accosted. According to a 1998 FBI criminal victimization survey, 62% of women who screamed, 81% of women who tried to run away and 68% of women who used some type of physical force were able to escape from their attackers. Doing SOMEthing - be it yelling, running away or hitting back - nets better odds than doing nothing. Tell your daughters, sisters, nieces and neighbors, too.

It's not enough to just pray that Chelsea and Amber will be the last girls who never return home from school. Talking to our kids about what to do if they are ever approached might be even more effective.

My Barbie Meltdown

In my mind's eye, my cousin, Courtney, will always be a little girl. She's in her late 20's now and has a daughter of her own (Skye), so I guess I should get over that...

Anyway, last weekend was her daughter's 5th birthday party. You can't show up to a five-year-old's birthday party empty-handed, so after karate, I hit the stores to find the little lady a gift. Her mom said Barbie dolls were her daughter's newest obsession and my bee-line to the toy department where I promptly found about four shelves of Babies. Trouble was most of them were dressed in skimpy little outfits that only covered about 60 percent of their little plastic bodies. What ever happened to Astronaut or Ph.D. Barbie? There was one "I Wanna Be..." Barbie, but Mattel's idea of what a vet wears (pink pantyhose, a teeny little smock covered with dogs and a head full of big hair) and mine were totally different, I found.

The other issue was that the selection of brown Barbies was pretty slim. Only two Barbies came in shades of brown: one was 1970's Barbie who donned an afro and a red sequined dress (a little girl in the aisle with us thought it was Oprah, LOL); the other was "Candy Barbie" who was dressed in a little pink and blue teddy and carried a fake ice cream cone for some reason. But 1970's Barbie was $35 (!!), which eliminated her from the running with a quickness. I really wanted to get "Happy Birthday Barbie" but they all had straight blond hair and blue eyes. Like me, Skye has not-that-straight black hair and brown eyes. Maybe that sounds a little silly, but when I was her age, all my dolls were blond with blue eyes. I just wanted to make sure I gave little Skye more of a choice than I had.

I must have agonized over which doll to buy for a good 15 minutes or so. When I finally settled on half-naked "Candy Barbie," part of my feminist self died a little, I think. SIGH...

Mom's Crib Notes

Ever wish you could somehow just flash forward and give your children all the information in life they'll ever need to know? I know it's not possible, but I wish it was sometimes.

What prompted this latest desire? My son will have a real date this weekend. I'm talking dinner and a movie, flowers - all that. I'm wondering if it's too late for a crash refresher course in chivalry. Should I spend these last few hours before the big event reminding him about holding doors and letting her order first?

I've watched my son eat meals for 16 years now and it often ain't pretty. Just a few minutes ago, he grabbed a piece of pizza from the counter, shoved a paper towel underneath it and munched on it while he proceeded to tell me about his day. I know I taught him how to use silverware and napkins, but will he use them when he's sitting across the table from a young lady? I can only hope so...

It's really cute, actually. But still, I wish I could use some Jedi mind trick to pour all the information about teenage girls he needs to know into his head or give him a cheat sheet or something...

Tragedy in Newburgh

Last week, a knife fight in the streets ended with one young man - Levi, a 17-year-old who used to train at my karate dojo - dead. Sadly, he was stabbed by a 13-year old.

Anytime a child dies it is a tragedy, but it somehow hits a little harder when you know him or her. But because he hadn't trained with us in so long, until I found a photo from a karate promotion I'd taken three years ago with Levi kneeling with the group (he's pictured above, second from the left on the bottom), I had no idea that I did know him.

I guess the real tragedy is that a young man - a student who was also someone's son, brother and father - is gone. Rest in peace, Levi, rest in peace.

2009: A Recap

Interesting year 2009 has been. Between the highs of the inauguration of the country's first African-American president and the lows of a global recession, there were other events that kept us from being bored. Sadly, though, even though the pundits tell us the economy is in recovery mode, I know four folks who lost their jobs this month alone. Sigh...

The magazine has been through changes as well - including moving from a quarterly print to a bi-monthly digital publication. Although we tried a few events to help spur the local economy, the one that took off the most has been "First Fridays" - our girls' night out chick flick at a local cinema on the first Friday of each month. Since the first Friday of January is also New Year's Day, we'll be picking up right where we left off in February - so we'll keep you posted.

Here's hoping your 2010 is off to a good start! Happy New Year :-)

Dear Santa...

My son informed me a week before Christmas that his holiday list was almost complete. A day later, he slid a typed sheet of paper under my bedroom door which read as follows:

Christmas List 2009
So, here it is. It's that time of year again. Sleigh bells ringing, ornaments jingling and we all know that gift exchange is not the true meaning of Christmas or what it's all about, but...IT'S A BIG PART OF IT :-). So this is the Christmas list from me this year. And normally I would send this to Santa, but he's a little bit busy this year!!!

Wish List:
1. Spining Toothbrush
2. Some blue Pentel WOW! ™ Pens
3. Cell phone case and screen protector for the Samsung Eternity a867
4. iTunes gift card for music download
5. Anything from Old Navy that you could see me wearing
6. Tekken 6 for PSP
7. Tekken 6 for PS3
8. PS3 :-)
9. DDR X2 for PS2
10. Any DVD that you think I would enjoy watching

Thank you!! I will be doing some Christmas shopping as well...It's not all about me :-)

*NOTE: The sender of this letter knows very well that money does not grow on trees and that we are in a recession. This list is meant to be a SUGGESTION of gifts - not an Expectation or Demand. I understand that the gift giver will do what he/she can. And whatever is received will be appreciated to the fullest extent.

Thanks again!!!

++++

It wasn't signed, but since he is the only person in the house under 40, I kinda figured it was from him. Nice how he snuck the PS3 in there, huh?!?

BTW, Santa-Mom axed the PS3 but was able to find the spining toothbrush! Old Navy had nothing left by the time I got there, so I gave him a gift certificate instead. The only thing Santa-Mom messed up on was the Dance Dance Revolution game; she bought DDR X - which he already had - instead of X2. I thought the package looked familiar...

When Celebrity Trumps News

I gotta admit, I feel kinda bad for Tiger Woods these days. His personal business is totally "in the streets" right now. Not passing judgement at all, but imagine going through such a jacked-up family situation and having the whole world knowing intimate details about it almost instantly. Such is the price of celebrity, I guess. But, dang, it seems like a high price to pay.

For the last three days, information about his 2:30am car crash and speculation about what could have preceded it have been lead stories on everything from the morning "infotainment" news shows like "The Today Show" and "Good Morning America" to the national evening news broadcasts. Squeaky-clean athlete/role model possibly caught with his pants down - how scandalous! But really, that stuff happens every day to athletes, politicians, celbs and regular Joes alike. Just ask Kobe Bryant, Elliot Spitzer, George Michael or your best friend - because everyone knows someone whose honey got caught cheating.

I kinda admire Tiger's attempts to keep the information flow to a minimum, though. This is something between him and his family and has nothing to do with me and mine - still information about it is everywhere. I really don't even CARE about what goes on in his bedroom any more than I care about what goes on in my neighbor's. I really wish the media outlets would GET that and leave the Woods family be.

The worst part is that while the papers and networks are sending their reporters out to gather the latest on Tiger, information about what should really matter gets buried on page 99 or barely nets a 30 second mention on the evening news. Seriously, anyone know the status of the Health Care bill right now?

And, yes, I am a card-carrying member of the media, but we're doing a pathetic job of prioritizing as of late. And as a member of the general public, I'm blaming us, too. At production (for TV news) and front page (for news publications) meetings all over the country, editors and producers are hashing out arguments as to why one particular story is more important than another. What makes something news is often the amount of people seeking information about it. So stop asking. Stop Googling, stop buying the tabloids whose headlines promise to detail everything about the woman Tiger has supposedly been "seeing for months" and stop watching "Entertainment Tonight." If we (the general public) show we're not interested, we (the media) will stop covering it.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program...

The College Search Begins...

Last Wednesday marked my son's foray into the college search process when we attended "College Night" at the high school and got to walk through the gym and cafeteria with about 500 other students and their folks checking out the offerings of colleges and universities from all over the east coast.

My son is a junior - which is good. He also knows what he wants to major and minor in, which is even better. I also have an idea of what we can afford (in-state tuition, please!) so it was basically a matter of looking for schools with Theater/Drama programs that wouldn't make me faint dead away when the "Tuition/Room and Board/Fees" part of the equation came into play.

He actually came away with more than a few that would fit the criteria - and ironically, the two he is leaning towards right now are schools he's familiar with: Purchase College (we take karate classes there once a week) and SUNY New Paltz (we've been to a few performances and athletic events there). But just so he has the obligatory "safety school," he and I jumped online on his day off from school yesterday and discovered that Queens College - part of the CUNY system - has an excellent Theater curriculum. We also looked at SUNY Binghamton and SUNY Albany. So now there are five schools in the mix. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy!

It's been a while since my own college search days so most of the process of "What's this gonna cost?" is a little fuzzy, but I know that what I did after we checked out the course of study for each school was go straight to the page that outlined tuition and fees. Can you say "sticker shock"? Believe it or not, the tuition wasn't what made me gasp - it was the room and board! Purchase's fees for one semester are TWICE as much as tuition! My mouth went dry for a second...

So, at least we now have an idea of what we're reaching for. All that's left to do now is pass NYS Regents Chemistry, register for SATs, visit/apply to the schools, audition, get accepted, figure out how to stretch the college savings, find some scholarships/grants and voila! He'll be on his way.

OMG - I think I really am going to faint...

Making Strides

Last Sunday, my friends and family loaded up two cars and headed to The Woodbury Commons for the American Cancer Society's annual "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk. Designed to raise money for BC research, I first did the walk with my son when he was only 6. Ten years have passed (we've walked every one since) and I'm still amazed at all the people who walk the three miles in memory or in honor of someone who has been affected by the disease. Too many "in memory of..." signs for certain. It's past time for a cure, folks...

But, despite the cold rain, we walked along with thousands of others. Hope Courtney, Audrey, Vickie, Rena, Malcolm, Corey and I are all able to do it again next year.