You ever had that in-person convo turn to things like finance, religion or politics and suddenly go awry? Have you been finger-wagged on social media because someone didn't like how you expressed yourself? Ever felt some type of way over either but weren't really sure why?
I certainly have. Happened just a few days ago actually. And I was really irritated after the smoke cleared, too. Felt a bit out of sorts because of the responses during the exchange, which rubbed me all types of wrong.
It was so bad that I actually dreamed about a situation the night after it happened. When I woke up, I knew instantly why I was so bothered.
I was angry over being tone-policed.
Tone policing is when someone steps in to regulate a conversation by suggesting the person not respond so _______-ly (any adjective like loud, disrespectful, forceful, etc. can go here). It's designed to remind said person to mind their manners by suggesting they present their point in a way that is more appealing to the complainer. Tone policing is a close cousin to gaslighting.
The problem with tone policing is this: Trying to regulate how a person says a thing is simply a matter of control. Think about a discussion where one person interrupts by asking "Why are you getting so upset?" when clearly the person with whom they were speaking is not upset. It's simply designed to keep a person in check and dismiss what they said because they don't like how it was said.
Here's an example: A few days ago, a friend posted a meme on Facebook about a pregnant woman who respectfully asked a male sitting on some form of public transportation if he would be willing to give up his seat for her because she was starting to feel nauseous. The guy refused and chastised her about being willing to stand if she, as a woman, "really wanted equality." She replied by tossing her cookies on his lap, paper, coffee and laptop, which, she said, was a bit satisfying.
The first comment from a friend of my friend proceeded to mansplain why her response was actually assault and blah, blah, blah (seriously - I stopped reading and just skimmed after about two sentences). So I told him that it was well-past ridiculous to make the victim the heavy and let the actual idiot who started the whole mess with his meanness the wronged party. He apparently didn't like that I ended it with a "GTHOH with that silliness" and responded by telling me that I wasn't acting very nice and that I should really learn how to read a bit better. So, yeah, I tried my best to verbally rip him a new one before telling him to again GTHOH with that foolishness.
It's not up to anyone to decide if/when my responses aren't nice enough - especially when they are hardly even trying to be nice at all. Why should I always have the onus to be pleasant, polite and extending olive branches if others aren't trying to do the same? Is niceness expected simply because I'm female?
In-person and as a person of color, I find that sometimes, expressing my opinion with any kind of veracity is interpreted as me "getting upset" or heated. It feels like any disagreement that isn't whispered instantly brands me as the epitome of the Angry Black Woman. Seriously, it happens all. the. time.
In online circles, I'm pretty careful as to how I present an argument. I more often than not detail my response in a way that gives the person I'm dealing with only a few choices: agree or disagree. I have no problem with the later, but if you step in to remind me to be calm/polite/respectful, etc. without ever bothering to do the same, that IS a problem. How hard is it to understand that your interpretation is not the only one there is - and that it's not a bad thing if folks remind you of that every once in a while?
Yeah - don't don your Tone Police badge in my presence. Generally speaking, reminding someone to calm down - even when they are upset - isn't really a good idea.
It was so bad that I actually dreamed about a situation the night after it happened. When I woke up, I knew instantly why I was so bothered.
I was angry over being tone-policed.
Tone policing is when someone steps in to regulate a conversation by suggesting the person not respond so _______-ly (any adjective like loud, disrespectful, forceful, etc. can go here). It's designed to remind said person to mind their manners by suggesting they present their point in a way that is more appealing to the complainer. Tone policing is a close cousin to gaslighting.
The problem with tone policing is this: Trying to regulate how a person says a thing is simply a matter of control. Think about a discussion where one person interrupts by asking "Why are you getting so upset?" when clearly the person with whom they were speaking is not upset. It's simply designed to keep a person in check and dismiss what they said because they don't like how it was said.
Here's an example: A few days ago, a friend posted a meme on Facebook about a pregnant woman who respectfully asked a male sitting on some form of public transportation if he would be willing to give up his seat for her because she was starting to feel nauseous. The guy refused and chastised her about being willing to stand if she, as a woman, "really wanted equality." She replied by tossing her cookies on his lap, paper, coffee and laptop, which, she said, was a bit satisfying.
The first comment from a friend of my friend proceeded to mansplain why her response was actually assault and blah, blah, blah (seriously - I stopped reading and just skimmed after about two sentences). So I told him that it was well-past ridiculous to make the victim the heavy and let the actual idiot who started the whole mess with his meanness the wronged party. He apparently didn't like that I ended it with a "GTHOH with that silliness" and responded by telling me that I wasn't acting very nice and that I should really learn how to read a bit better. So, yeah, I tried my best to verbally rip him a new one before telling him to again GTHOH with that foolishness.
It's not up to anyone to decide if/when my responses aren't nice enough - especially when they are hardly even trying to be nice at all. Why should I always have the onus to be pleasant, polite and extending olive branches if others aren't trying to do the same? Is niceness expected simply because I'm female?
In-person and as a person of color, I find that sometimes, expressing my opinion with any kind of veracity is interpreted as me "getting upset" or heated. It feels like any disagreement that isn't whispered instantly brands me as the epitome of the Angry Black Woman. Seriously, it happens all. the. time.
In online circles, I'm pretty careful as to how I present an argument. I more often than not detail my response in a way that gives the person I'm dealing with only a few choices: agree or disagree. I have no problem with the later, but if you step in to remind me to be calm/polite/respectful, etc. without ever bothering to do the same, that IS a problem. How hard is it to understand that your interpretation is not the only one there is - and that it's not a bad thing if folks remind you of that every once in a while?
Yeah - don't don your Tone Police badge in my presence. Generally speaking, reminding someone to calm down - even when they are upset - isn't really a good idea.
